I sit here, in low light, stoic and slightly disconsolate. I know someone should call the emo police, I’m getting ready to invoke some tunes, and I’m not hungry(clearly a warning sign). Yes disappointment has consumed me. My upbeat personality has been muffled and muted, but I’m not being churlish, and I’m okay with that. I received my acceptance letters in the mail today. I could feel it, in my stomach, before I even opened the letter. I felt it even more, when I matched the letter up against the setting sun, to read the key words, of “I regret”. I was placed on the waiting list for FL State(My No.1). I did say letters didn’t I? On a slightly brighter side, I got accepted into the UNI. of MIA.
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or pompus, getting into a film program, is harder than getting into med school(been there done that, I know). It’s just that UM is private, and unless I get some major $$$ Aid from the government, I can’t put out the 54K(Just tution for my program, what about housing, food anyone??). I know I should be happy to be on the waiting list of a school that only interviews 90 and takes 24. I know that I’m going to spend the next couple of days analyzing what I did wrong.I know that’s it “NOT THE END OF THE WORLD”. I never said that, and nor am I moping around like a heartbroken nauseating love case. I’m just disappointed and unmotivated. On top of all of this my contract at work ends June 30th, and I don’t know I want to do; stay where I am, take another job completely, if granted, go to UM, move to another place, focus on developing my skills save up some money and attack this film thing from another angle. It’s almost like cross-road overload.
I have a hard time dealing with big disappointment. I really hard time, but not life halting depressing bad. I know it all stems from the years of beening disappointed by my farther. Disappointment that deep down, I’m still not over, and won’t get over.(Last Christmas, My room mate spent more on my gift than my dad, I can’t name a total of 5 things my dad did for me last year..) You would think, that it would work the other way around. That after years of disappointment, that it would be innocuous to me. Perhaps unresolved issues that still linger, hinder from me dealing with disappointment, as I should. Sorry i don’t want to play the STRONG CARD, on this one, Justin is taking a respectable and meritorious “emotional day” for himself. I feel hollow inside, it just carves chunks out my spirit. I dont like feeling like this. The daily ups and downs, are fine, it’s just the big ones, that just seems to eat me up inside. Big ones like rejections letters, rejection towards your dreams and goals. I work hard at everything I do, and to not to reap the accolades, YOU THINK you deserve just sets you back, and makes you doubt, not yourself, but the system, as you watch all the cheaters, and liars, get ahead, get what they don’t deserve.
If it’s not to be, it not meant to be. I’ll get there when my times come, when the time is right. I have to remember, that I have control, but there’s a great force at work here; God, and He doesn’t make mistakes. I have put my faith in Him, and know that, all things work for a reason.