Disappointment Bearing Down

I sit here, in low light, stoic and slightly disconsolate. I know someone should call the emo police, I’m getting ready to invoke some tunes, and I’m not hungry(clearly a warning sign). Yes disappointment has consumed me. My upbeat personality has been muffled and muted, but I’m not being churlish, and I’m okay with that. I received my acceptance letters in the mail today. I could feel it, in my stomach, before I even opened the letter. I felt it even more, when I matched the letter up against the setting sun, to read the key words, of “I regret”. I was placed on the waiting list for FL State(My No.1). I did say letters didn’t I? On a slightly brighter side, I got accepted into the UNI. of MIA.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or pompus, getting into a film program, is harder than getting into med school(been there done that, I know). It’s just that UM is private, and unless I get some major $$$ Aid from the government, I can’t put out the 54K(Just tution for my program, what about housing, food anyone??). I know I should be happy to be on the waiting list of a school that only interviews 90 and takes 24. I know that I’m going to spend the next couple of days analyzing what I did wrong.I know that’s it “NOT THE END OF THE WORLD”. I never said that, and nor am I moping around like a heartbroken nauseating love case. I’m just disappointed and unmotivated. On top of all of this my contract at work ends June 30th, and I don’t know I want to do; stay where I am, take another job completely, if granted, go to UM, move to another place, focus on developing my skills save up some money and attack this film thing from another angle. It’s almost like cross-road overload.

I have a hard time dealing with big disappointment. I really hard time, but not life halting depressing bad. I know it all stems from the years of beening disappointed by my farther. Disappointment that deep down, I’m still not over, and won’t get over.(Last Christmas, My room mate spent more on my gift than my dad, I can’t name a total of 5 things my dad did for me last year..) You would think, that it would work the other way around. That after years of disappointment, that it would be innocuous to me. Perhaps unresolved issues that still linger, hinder from me dealing with disappointment, as I should. Sorry i don’t want to play the STRONG CARD, on this one, Justin is taking a respectable and meritorious “emotional day” for himself. I feel hollow inside, it just carves chunks out my spirit. I dont like feeling like this. The daily ups and downs, are fine, it’s just the big ones, that just seems to eat me up inside. Big ones like rejections letters, rejection towards your dreams and goals. I work hard at everything I do, and to not to reap the accolades, YOU THINK you deserve just sets you back, and makes you doubt, not yourself, but the system, as you watch all the cheaters, and liars, get ahead, get what they don’t deserve.

If it’s not to be, it not meant to be. I’ll get there when my times come, when the time is right. I have to remember, that I have control, but there’s a great force at work here; God, and He doesn’t make mistakes. I have put my faith in Him, and know that, all things work for a reason.

Peace

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22 Responses

  1. Enjoy your mental health day. I figure not just the rejection letter, but also the stress of having finished another semester means you deserve a little break. Or a big break.

    Film school is cool. I am a movie buff, and I enjoy the art of the films, the nods to the classics, but I never had the vision to make movies myself. My favorite directors are Marty, Kevin (as in Smith) and Quentin. Though the Cohens are pretty cool and I like the way the Wankowskis think through every single shot to give you this surreal view of the world.

    What kind of films do you want to make?

  2. Be sad. It’s okay. You’re disappointed and you have an obstacle and a decision to make that’s going to be difficult and hard, no matter how it turns out.

    Cheaters and liars do get what they deserved; I truly believe that. I also know that it’s rare we get to see that. We just have to have faith in ourselves and let someone else do the final tally on others.

    Have you talked to UM about money? My cousin is graduating from a school where the tuition is $40K a year (and no, it’s not NYU, LOL). Her first year, she had to borrow “just” $5,000 but scholarships, financial aid, etc. made up the difference. I’m not sure what she did for the rest of the time she was there but I don’t think it was a lot of money because she would have said something about it.

    Also, check with FlaState to find out where the waiting list stands. Do people get in who were on the waiting list? Is there anything else you can do to change that status? You did great getting into these schools. Don’t minimize how smart and gifted you are on that level. It’s just very competitive.

    Can you get into FlaStat into another similar program and transfer? I kind of doubt it but my friend’s daughter had the opportunity to switch.

    I hope you feel better soon. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better. I’m sorry that your dad failed but it’s more a reflection on him than you. Some people just can’t step up to the plate for whatever reasons. You know he is the loser in all of this. It doesn’t make you feel any better I know, but it has very little to do with you. You’re a wonderful person and he just is terribly flawed.

  3. You should just take this as a sign that you should go to film school and have no plan b. I’m convinced absolutely that you will succeed if you don’t give yourself any other option but to.

    What I suggest you do is sit down and write out the worst possible scenario that could happen from this, the very worst. Don’t think a lot about it just write and write until nothing else comes to mind. You’ll realize it really isn’t the end of the world and almost anything that happens you could get back on your feet from.

  4. Everything happens for a reason, even if we can’t see what the reason is at the time. Hang in there!

  5. Justin,
    When the dust settles, you will see the path clearly. Chin up. Everything will be okay. Sending you a hug from Southern Cali.

  6. “as you watch all the cheaters, and liars, get ahead, get what they don’t deserve”

    That is such an uncalled for statement, and possibly shows something about your character. I know a student who got into this program, and she is quite brilliant, a wonderful person and a perfectionist….works harder than anyone else I know.

    You are not careful enough and too impetuous. You never check your writing on this blog for instance …it is always full of mistakes and bad grammar. That says you don’t try your best.

    But I am sorry that you are down. Life is a maze, and you have simply gone down the wrong path…turn around and try another route, as there is always a way to get to the middle.

  7. Whore,
    You get massive kudos points for liking the Wachowski brothers, one of my favorite set directors. As far as film goes, I think I’m a Action/Fantasy, Comedy kinda guy.

    Lori,
    Aww, you’re always such a sweetheart, ever the voice of reason, the solutions master. Thanks for the encourging words.

    NoL,
    Nice set of principles to live by, not giving yourself a second option.

    Mark,
    As always my naked soul guider LOL. Thanks man

    Alexys,
    Big Hugs right back. It’s ok I’ll be joining you in SO Cali, soon enough. WINK.. 🙂

  8. Oh Bea, (you get your own box)

    Since this is your first visible visit, thanks for officially stopping by the blog.

    In regards to the comment “watch all the cheaters, and liars, get ahead, get what they don’t deserve” I wasn’t referring to this program, or even to this siutation. I was referring to cheaters, liars, etc in general, everyone from the people that lie on their taxes, lie for welfare, plagiarize papers, and the list goes on. Lori got it, guess you didn’t. It’s ok, can’t win them all..

    Thank for you pointing out, that I do make mistakes and such throughout my blog. I mostly blog at work, between assisgments, presentations, downtime and such, while yes I normally run spell check(sp doesn’t work in Sarfai lol), and attempt to reread what I write, I’m fairly sure there are plenty of mistakes. I dont blog for prefection, or hits or stats. I blog for me, and, to laugh with, encourage, inspire, enligten, or learn from and with others. But you know what, I really dont have to justify that part of Justin to you now do I. For the heck of it, let’s also throw in the simple fact it’s MY blog, take it or leave it. Yet I like to point out, with all the mistakes, you evidently come back to read more…

    Moving on..

    Lastly if you’re gonna leave comments like that on my blog especially ones questioning and attacking my character, at least be man/woman to leave a link to your blog/email. It’s all good, but man don’t serve a dish, that you can’t eat yourself. I know it’s not easy living in South Carolina, near Charleston or should I say Mt. Pleasant. I hope you aren’t still upset about the Carolinas spliting in 1719, just let it go, just let it go..

  9. peace brother . . .

  10. Justin, I’m sorry you’ve hit some curves in the road, my friend. Although sometimes they do wind up to be the more scenic route in the long run. Still, it’s not easy to see things that way at the time. You’re young and bright and funny, and there’s no doubt in my mind that things are going to go your way in time. No doubt at all. But I feel for you during this — it’s a low spot for ya. You’re in my thoughts. And like my dad used to tell me — don’t let the bastards getcha’ down. Sorry Bea (aka flatliner) but J’s got a valid point about the cheaters, liars, etc. If you’re too lame to comprehend the context, then you’re probably on the wrong blog. Might I suggest farm porn?

    Hang in there, J. Big hugs.

  11. Uncen..
    Be a good aussie mate, you hear.

    Dame,
    Thanks for the postive words. You always know what to say and exactly when to say it. LOL.. I love you. I want to put your wit and humor in my pocket and just save it for a rainy day.

  12. Bea, do you understand what a blog is? I don’t mean in the literal sense, but the concept of blogging. Do you understand concepts?

    And your blog is where? All those grammatically correct, edited wise comments you are creating with your brilliant wit are parked where?

    “The credit belongs to the blogger who is in the arena.”

    And as for your pop-psychology analysis of Justin…here’s mine of you:

    You are likely a very insecure and shame-filled person who pursues the outward appearance of “having it all together” when the drive behind it all is to control as much as possible.

    Why do you try to inappropriately control things and people around you? To keep others from rejecting you. Rejection is your biggest fear.

    You have trouble accepting love. When you feel needy you look to sex to make you feel secure. Yet somehow the sex wasn’t done right and your partner disappointed again.

    You have either failed relationships or, if you are in a committed relationship, it is with a person who doesn’t live up to your standards or expectations. You see your partner as inferior to you.

    You have lofty goals which you never manage to reach. You have extreme anxiety over others who evaluate you and avoid those situations as much as possible.

    You are likely either seen as distant, cold and a little rude by others; or you are overly gregarious, possibly even codependent. You wonder why you don’t have more friends.

    You talk too much. Talking is both your defense and your way of attracting attention to yourself.

    You had a distant or absent father.

    I could go on, but this isn’t my blog. Feel free to write back and tell me how much of this is correct–if you have the courage to read it. How do I know most of this is on target? Simple: Asshats are easy to read.

    Sorry Justin if this is too long, feel free to edit if you choose.

  13. Edit, WC, NEVER!!!, I’m not a Fundi (lol)–(Deletes Post, Closes comments)

    To edit a WC comment, would be an internet sin, and I don’t wanna be Dammned to the world of spam.

    Wow, I’m so happy and glad to have “met” you. You’re great. When is the book coming?

  14. lol woah. Whorechurch, let’s not go that far. ahaha. Beas comments might have been uncalled for but that was some insane shit lol.

    http://www.nolimitsentertainment.net

  15. NoLimits: Without going into detail about why those things are true of Bea, trust me they are much closer to the truth than she would like to admit.

  16. How about I send this link to FSU where they can evaluate the wiseness of their waitlist choice…hmm?

  17. Bea you just proved my point.

    So, how close was my evaluation? Don’t lie–you’ll just feel worse about yourself than you already do.

  18. and one more thing…what about telling where your bog is?

  19. Not even worth my time.

  20. Why do people have to act up? We can’t just behave, can we, and support a young man who is hurting, whose dream is a little further away?

    Justin, honey, hang in there. The right thing will work out and this will be nothing but fodder for the best short film you ever made.

    😉

  21. Wow,
    I truly appricated your blog, and feelings. I have been in a bit of a slump my self. I like the way you truly hit on your feelings. Makes me feel not alone when I get down like that.
    But, the comments.
    People just get going. LOL. I was kind of surprised at where this all went.
    You are in my thoughs and prays.

  22. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

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