Things I Do that Aggrevate People..

OUT & ABOUT:

— When jogging, I like to make special trips through fast food restaurants parking lots. I won’t say anything to potential customers. I think my very presence, speaks on them on many levels. Once in a while,  a car will pull out of the drive thru, most likely over come with with guilt.  What?? I can’t help that’s it own my jogging course.

— I wave hello to random people, that I don’t know.

— Sometimes I walk to the beat of the music, and (sometimes I silently have a soundtrack in my head)

AT HOME:

— When I sneeze, I say: “Excuse me, Bless Me, Thank you”.  Cuts out the middle man.. If I said “You’re Welcome” then I would be considered sorta weird

— I used plastic-ware, so that I will never technically have to do the dishes, because technically I never dirty up any dishes. Saves water right?

IN THE CAR:

-If driving, and you go to sleep on me, I’ll slam on breaks and start screaming

-If in the passenger side, I normally attempt to strangle myself at the stop lights

– If in the back of car, I will rock the car at the stop lights, by grab both “Oh SHIT” handle and shifting my weight

AT THE GYM:

–If I’m asked how many sets I have left, I usually give an super high number like 15

–I switch the Time Elapsed to Time Remaining, so that people wont stand behind when my time is almost up.

Random Laws of the Land

Here are a list of random laws from the from places that I have lived and/or planning on moving too.

North Carolina: Home State

1. Persons in possession of illegal substances must pay taxes on them.(so what is the tax on LSD, and Coke again?)

2. Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.

3.Severing Alcohol at a bingo game is not allowed.

4. If a man and a woman ho aren’t married go to a hotel and register themselves as married, then according to state law, they are legally married.

5.It is unlawful for two people of the opposite to sleep in the bed together unless they are married.(includes brother and sister)

6. It’s iilegal to have sex in a churchyard.(I wouldn’t be worried about going to jail for this one I’d be worried about ending up someplace else)

Florida :Current Residence

1. Doors to all public building must opwn outwards(I constantly test this one)

2. It is iilegal to kiss you wife’s breasts

3. You are not allowed to fart in public after 6pm

4. Men may not wear any kind of strapless gown in public.(sooo…. straped ones are ok?)

Cali: Future Residence

1. It is illegal to molest butterflies ( I don’t even want to know WHY this is a law)

2. Bowling on the sidewalk is illegal.. (Dang, seems like fun)

3. Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street…

4. You are not allowed to used you own restroom is the window is open.

As you can realize, most of these laws are unforced. I will say that in NC, recently a deputy Sheriff, got fired, for living with her boyfriend, which technically is against the law. Her boss, the County Sheriff, was the epitome of OLD SCHOOL CONSERVATIVE, in regards to laws.  So do you have any county, city or state laws, you would like to share?

PS. In Cary, NC, there’s a city regulation, against the color orange and red. YUP McDonalds and Chick-Fil-A all have this Green-Blue Sign, instead of their trademark colors and logos.

So, I Picked up a Prostitute!

Ohh you know this is going to be a good one. I think it’s best told like this…

So I’m driving around my small little tranquil town. I mean a town so safe, we’ve had two murders in the past 25 years. Well I’m driving through a small community and I see a woman walking. And NOOOO i was not rubbe necking. She looked maybe if she was in her 30’s, dressed casually and walking. She had short black hair and walked with a little bounce. I had the windows down to let the breeze ruffle my hair err air out my car,when I pulled next to this walking lady. She waved and her arms spasmed in an attempt to stop me.

She asked me were I was headed and I told her I was running to the shopping center for my grandmother to pick up some milk and eggs etc.  She smile and said, they she really needed a ride to the store as well, to pick up some items for the kids. From this point, the market was about 3 miles, but completely doable. A woman with kids needing a ride. COME on people, how could I resist. She looked harmless, and so I told her that I would give her a ride. She thanked me and said that she would find another way back, or she would walk back.  She said was tired of walking and was so thankful that I drove by.

Well we don’t make it two blocks before she bombards me with the statement ” I wanna suck your C)*&, how much? I just want $20″. My eyes widen to the size of doughnuts and I look over at her. She unflenched, I slammed on the brakes, so hard the people walking on the sidewalk, got whiplash. Still in shock that (1 There is a hooker in my car. 2. I picked up that hooker.), I politely said “Ms please get out of my car” She continued with ” come on, $10 and I will suck your C@&*. Then firmly said ” LADY, get out of my car, NOW”. She smacked her lips and open the door and got out. I drove out, like bat outta hell, on acid.

I looked back in the rearview mirror, and she’s busy shaking her head and continues walking.  I begin to fuss myself out of course for being so STUPID. I wanted to drive back and tell her she ought to be ashamed or something,  but I knew it wasn’t my place, and nor was it going to be effective.

Me of all people.. ME..oh why me. I’m sure my high school class voted me as most likely to pick up a hooker, somewhere and I just didn’t realize it.  I ‘ve only picked up two people ever and one turns out to be a pay for play. And I know all of my guy readers are wondering, “DUDE, was she hot” and I will say “BRO, not really, but it didn’t really matter” regardless. Just not J’s style. LOL

So has any one else picked up a prostitute or have any hitchhiker stories they wanna share? Do you pick up people on a regular basis?

MLK Jokes

Here’s a list of all the jokes I received on MLK Jr. Day. Some require setups..

Well yesterday, on Monday, I ventured to school(YES SCHOOL, the FILM SCHOOL stops for no one) and I was greeted by one of my fellow classmates, while walking down a long hallways with editing suits.

Sylvia:” Morning Justin, today I just wanna say black people are beautiful”.

Me: I”m handsome everyday

—————————————

David: Justin, why are you here, it’s MLK Day, bro

Me: Its MLK day everyday, when I look over and see your God-awful face sitting next to me. Thank YOU intergeration

—————————————–

Tom(Last name is Washington): Dude, it’s MLK, go home..

Me: Do you go home for Presidents Day?

Tom: Huh? I don’t get it

Me: That’s why we are in school today, so one day you will…

——————————–

Phone Call: Vanessa(Hispanic): Don’t you think it’s ironic, that because of a black man, that all the white people have off today, and all the black people have to work?

Me: LOL…good point

Another friend who is a teacher back in NC also calls.

Chris: Hey man, thanks for the day off, kids are driving me crazy.

Me: Yanno, I read the “I Have Dream” speech, in the 6 grade, you do know I’m not the real MLK. Jr., nor am I related

Chris: Oh.. Right. Thats sorta disappointing. Now what reason do I have to like you?

Me: Do you want me to list the reasons why I dislike you. Cause I could

That about sums it up. Over and Out.

Dear Comcast

Dear F*cking Mother F*cking Comcast,

I’m writing this letter in protest against you, your services and any all things you stand for. You are prehaps the worst business and minternet and cable provider I have ever had encountered. Why am so angry let me list the ways.

1. Mr. Comcast, I explained to you that I’m a film student, and I have class from 8-7PM every day. The only day that I could have a techician to come out was Saturday (8/18/07). You were suppose to send some one between 1 and 4 pm. At 6pm when I called to ask about the missing tech, you told me the schedule was behind that someone was coming. At 8 PM when I called a again you said you would send someone on Sunday.

2. On Sunday once again no one ever came and you told me that You All couldn’t send someone out because there  weren’t any techs near by, I repeat near by.

3. After 3 weeks of calling and scheduling, from that point, you send someone out to my house at 10:00PM on a Thursday night. Only after I promised you that I would burn your corporate office down, if someone didn’t come. The tech, didn’t have the right supplies to hook up all the TV to Cable, so now we only have cable on two TV’s instead of three.

4. The technician informs me that the local Comcast office is located around the corner. (any by around the corner he means 2 miles up the road from my house). Which makes me more upset, because you said you couldnt send someone out because of the distance(see #2)

5. After nearly a month of struggling to get service, the service you provide is down right whimiscal as best. I couldn’t even post this post last night because, your service BLOWS. Now I have to type this at school during my 30 min dinner break.  And because of that one of  my classmates will have to be killed and eaten, because I’m starving.

PS: Should my bill not be correct. I will make national news.

Best,

Justin V.

Tagged: Eight Dirty Secerts

I’ve been tagged by the little kissing bandit, Dame. (cheeky monkey)

Okay, so here be the golden rules:

*We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.

* Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

* People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

* Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Justin’s 8 Dirrty Secerts/Fun Facts

I eat Chapstick

One Testicle hangs slightly higher than the other

I shave my armpits

I’ve been completely DRUG FREE for life

I started masurbating in middle school

I have to look at my poop before I flush it

I can not for the life of me Sleep Naked…

The smell of mustard can cause me to vomit.

 

Hmmm

I tag Heather , DMKimPink ,  Reed  , 25,   Seanbe , Bukol

 

 

It’s Strep

OMG.. I have Strep. A (the biology major inside me makes me use italics).

So I’m sitting in Student Hell, I mean Health, waiting on some Dr to give me the news on what’s slowing down a healthy 20-something.  He tells me, “I don’t think it’s Strep” “No running nose, no cough”, but let’s swab you anyways(yes let’s add more $$$ to the bill).  Then his guy asks, “So do you normally gag on cotton swabbing” and “I respond, I wouldn’t know I’ve never been swabbed before.”  So he swabs me, and when he’s done he says “Aww you did good with that”(in some type of mildly homo-ertoic way).  So then he says I’ll send someone in to get this, it should take about ten mins.  15 mins later, “YOU HAVE STREP”…

So in Conclusion:

–I have really gotta stop the late night drinking and swapping saliva with strangers. It’s starting to catch up with me.

–I shouldn’t have play the “Pool House, then the Pool, then the Hot Tub, Then the Pool, then The Shower, then the rain covered cement” game on Friday.

–I shouldn’t have trusted the weird guy in the alley, that told me I could have all the Sea Men I wanted from my project, as long as I closed my eyes and sucked the out through a hose… (ok ok, I stole that one from South Park..)

Go head peeps, get your jabs in now… When I’m weeeeeeeeak…

But, if one more co-worker comes up to me says, “since you have a fever, I can legally say you’re HOT, and it can’t be considered sexual harassment”, I think I’ll lace their coffee cup with some Strep-tastic saliva.

 Now my own goals in life are to 1. Get better by my BURTHday.  2. Find the Nasty B##$*@# that gave me the this..