Disappointment

Disappointment–

I don’t deal with it well, not well at all.

For me I know it stems from years and years upon disappointment with my father. The missed birthdays, the wrong gifts, the broken promises, the un-obligatory feeling he radiates from this actions.

Expectations have a way of setting themselves, and even when we lower them to what we think is an acceptable level. It’s only a matter of time before we are disappointed when things fall below that. I sometimes can’t believe the amount of effort, or lack of some people have with it comes to certain things, like dates, or gifts, or birthdays, or thanks you. I am more let down by the effort, that causes the disappointment. If I try my hardest or if someone else does, and things don’t end up quite right, then I don’t have a problem with anything. You just chalk it up, and celebrate an awesome effort. You always can’t win and nor can you have everything you want.

I know and completely understand and accept that.  It’s the lack of effort that is so overwhelming poor,  that’s when disappointment hurts me the most. It’s when you have WEEKS to prepare, and your efforts seem rushed and THOUGHTLESS, it’s when you ask for one thing, and get nothing remotely close, to what you wanted,  when someone has means of make it available, it’s when you emulate what’s already been done for you, because you can’t come up with anything Creative on your on, or even attempted t0– that’s when disappointment hurts the most.

I just don’t understand how you can drop the ball on some of the most important days, when it’s your last chance to make things right, when it’s a chance to make someone you love feel loved, when it’s a day that’s important to them for whatever reason. The fact is ,the excuses  make the disappointment that much more stronger. Somehow their validation of their LACK of effort, makes the disappointment wound sting even more, because somehow they think it’s okay to explain why they didn’t go the extra mile for you, hell, when didn’t make the 1st mile at all.

People like my mom have to do double duty, to overshadow the whimsical  attempts of my father . Thank God I have really good friends that know me, than can catch the slack for other people, who spew nothing but excuses for their inadequacies, that been said, IF those people even recognize their shortcomings.

Run-ons and jumbled… yeah yeah i know… Just read the words..

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Jealousy

When Jealously shows its face, it’s always ugly, very ugly.

Wiki says: Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values.

I think for some , they can’t deal with their own inadequacy. It stems from insecurity and low self-esteem. They feel that they aren’t good enough, or worthy of you love and attention. These feelings only fester and eventually they manifest into stronger and more violent emotions likes anger, and hate.

Their own insecurity or bad self-image makes them think badly of themselves, if this person is in a relationship they begin to wonder what their significant other sees in them. They will second guess themselves on why their sig. other will stay with them or leave, and of course they fear that their sig. other will find some one who is “better”.

You should remove yourself from the jealousy types. Relationships with these types of people are unhealthy.

Soon you will find yourself conforming to behaviors, that only have been approved by your Jealousy Other half. When you have to 2nd guess your actions, words, thoughts, in order to avoid the slightly rise in jealousy, I think you reevaluate your relationship. When having lunch with a friend becomes an interrogation, when a night out with the boys/girls become more of a chore than enjoyment, when much needed alone time is questioned, I think it’s time to ask yourself this question;  Is this how you want to live?

Of course, communication is the key, but when that fails and it can’t be worked out…RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

What do you do…

What do you do when…

You try your hardest, but nothing seems to work, nothing as at all.. All attempts to connect fail and fall short..

What do you do when..

You put your all of your heart into it and its still not enough and live everyday in an ache

What do you do when…

When you go untouched, unappreciated, unloved

What do you do when…

You don’t want to give up, shouldn’t give up, can’t give up,  but you don’t know where else to go, or what else to do, or who else to talk to.

What do you do when…

When the close are distant, when the friendly are cold, when your rock is sumerged

What do you do when…

Want to cry, shouldn’t cry, can’t cry

What do you do when…

You want to find peace, be given peace, be at peace

What do you do..

African American Vs Black

Hey it’s Black History, and for the next 28 days it’s going to be shoved down on your throat like sappy dramatic Miramax movie during Oscar season. Might as well start it off with a little bit of controversy and discussion.

So there’s an ongoing debate of what exactly BLACK people SHOULD be referred to as, an what they WANT to be refereed to as. On one side you have Black, which to some people simply describes the pigment of someone’s skin. Often times people who prefer this label, consider African American an incorrect term, usually projecting the idea, that their parents, nor their grand-parents, came from Africa directly and the term African-American doesn’t fit.

On the other side you have African-American, a label that embraces their heritage, and what they currently are, and for some it displays what so many people fought for during the Civil Rights Movement. Yet someone people dislike the term, but it’s carries a double standard and seems to be a catch all for so many groups of people. And of course you have people that just don’t care. Some will argue that African American is more PC, is a stronger label than Black.

I generally never refer myself as African American, I normally go by Black (even though I’m a coco brown, I kid I kid). Actually if I could have my way I would go by Black American. I’m Black and American, simple. Things are never that simple.

I never did/have/or probably never will understand all these rules about race and ethnicity. There seems to be a double standard no matter how you flip it.

Why is is that we refer to some groups by where they are from? Anyone from China, Japan, Vietnam, etc are all consider Asian, because they are located in Asia, YET, a Russian, is either considered White or Russian, yet Russia is in Asia too. Shouldn’t the same rules apply to Russians, as they do to other Asian, or even so to Africans. But see there’s a difference between Africans and Blacks/AA if you didn’t already know.

Yet for black people, it’s all comes down to skin hue. We all get grouped in the African American label, regardless if we are from Africa, Jamaica, or even places like Trinidad, or Barbados.

One of my classmates in Film School is from South Africa and she’s white. She’s actually from AFRICA and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t put African American on any form. Why not? Cause of the hue of her skin, not where she comes from..

How do feel, what do you think? What do you prefer?

If you’re aren’t B/AA how do you refer to this group of people?

How do my ____Fill in the blank____ readers feel.

Please, any and everyone feel free to comment and throw your two cents in!

MLK Jokes

Here’s a list of all the jokes I received on MLK Jr. Day. Some require setups..

Well yesterday, on Monday, I ventured to school(YES SCHOOL, the FILM SCHOOL stops for no one) and I was greeted by one of my fellow classmates, while walking down a long hallways with editing suits.

Sylvia:” Morning Justin, today I just wanna say black people are beautiful”.

Me: I”m handsome everyday

—————————————

David: Justin, why are you here, it’s MLK Day, bro

Me: Its MLK day everyday, when I look over and see your God-awful face sitting next to me. Thank YOU intergeration

—————————————–

Tom(Last name is Washington): Dude, it’s MLK, go home..

Me: Do you go home for Presidents Day?

Tom: Huh? I don’t get it

Me: That’s why we are in school today, so one day you will…

——————————–

Phone Call: Vanessa(Hispanic): Don’t you think it’s ironic, that because of a black man, that all the white people have off today, and all the black people have to work?

Me: LOL…good point

Another friend who is a teacher back in NC also calls.

Chris: Hey man, thanks for the day off, kids are driving me crazy.

Me: Yanno, I read the “I Have Dream” speech, in the 6 grade, you do know I’m not the real MLK. Jr., nor am I related

Chris: Oh.. Right. Thats sorta disappointing. Now what reason do I have to like you?

Me: Do you want me to list the reasons why I dislike you. Cause I could

That about sums it up. Over and Out.

Got A Stalker…

Yup… that’s right.. Your very own has a stalker. Oddly enough a male stalker at that. I mean I guess having a stalker elevates that ever-growing celebrity status of mine, but COULD I have at least gotten a crazy hot(would settle for semi-hot) girl.  But oh no I have Mr. NO Meds.. as in NO i’m not taking my meds anymore..

Thank God he’s pretty broke and cant afford text messages anymore, but this guy would send me 10-15 text messages before Lunch time. Little odd messages asking me what was I doing? why I hadn’t texted him yet? What I was doing later? And then he would call at soon as he got off work, non stop..just all the time. With Christmas break a few weeks ago, most of that has stop. Maybe he has found a new person to stalk. One could only hope.

So how does one acquire a stalker?, much like one acquires an STD, one mistake, one night, wrong person. Advice: NEVER GO eating at the Steak N Shake at 3:00 AM by yourself. So you know I’m eating a very late night snack, when Stalker Boy sits next to me. We take part in the art of nodding (you know UP if you’re black and DOWN if you’re white). So far so normal. Then a few mins later… it happen verbal communication. And before you know this guys was pretty much saying that he was just looking for other cool people to hang out with.  He looked young and harmless. I told him that once in a while I find time to head out or just hang. He liked the idea of us maybe grabbing a cold one sometimes and give me his number. I”m from the new school, I gave him my messenger name.(momma didn’t raise a complete fool).. Anyways longer story short, we made contact again soon after and I discovered that his guy was crazy, gay and off his meds.

After being told that I was” the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, because we connected like no other two people have ever had” the alarms went off and it was time to escape. Some people just can’t take no, or hell no the right way. Even tried it in Spanish and Mandarin. Needless to say after about 3 weeks of avoided calls, blocked IM and no texting,  I think the guy finally got the hint. Once in a while he’ll find a way to block his number and I’ll answer unknowingly.

Just weird, I guess. Having someone slightly crazy over you, but in the wrong kinda way.

Have people become this desperate for human interaction? to be liked? for affection? Good Grief!!!

To Write a Writer

I’m a man of my word, so here it is the post about meeting Denton (unusual name right? do you know a DENTON?) 

Back Story: Co-worker’s BFF is visiting from Tenn. for the weekend; the game plan was to go out. 

The Mission: To go to Dr. Unks (DRUNKS, slick naming I know) grab some booze and listen to a band named 5th generation. (think Korn with reggae)Well I arrived at the Bar, pretty late, I’m talking 10 mins before the place shutdown anyways. (I know so unlike me, but I had to work late)  I make the grand appearance, still dressed in work attire, but I was determined to get there.

Denton really seemed to be interested in getting to know me.  He was regurgitating  my life facts back to me assumedly  passed on to him by his BFF, whom is one of my co-workers,(which cannot be named, as I promised myself I would never blog about my co-workers on this blog).   I was somewhat taken back on this.  I thought man this guy is really nice and seems to be putting forth a decent effort to be really friendly.  After stuffing my face full of cold leftover food, we all head back to my co-workers house for a few more drinks and social time.

Ok, I won’t lie, when Denton wanted us all sit on the floor, and chat, I was honestly cool with it, until this guy pulled out a note pad and starts taking notes.  Okay, I’m thinking, this is sort of funny, yet just a littllllllle bit odd.  But not enough odd to freak me out.  So I’m thinking, psychologist, nahhh, Life coach??  nahhh..  Poor memory??? Nope… It’s not until Denton leaves and comes back with a bigger note pad, that I came to the conclusion this guy has got to be a writer, or he’s seriously a serial killer in disguise, and of course, me being black and all, I’d be the first to go…that’s how it work right? Maybe the better question is how many trees had to die, in the process of meeting Denton.

Denton is the kinda guy that you don’t meet every day.   I dunno, it just felt right.    It was easy to be myself, without much worry or concern.  Sometime I have to give people small doses of “Justin”, yanno what I mean.  He was funny and didn’t take anything (including himself) too serious, which is a good thing. It wasn’t battle the male macho ego, or low-blow central.  It was just a clean first-impression. Outside from being questioned to death, it felt like MY old friend was visiting for the weekend.  So when he’s a publish writer maybe I’ll get to see myself on the pages of a novel one days.  Me thinks that would be pretty chill.

So world, if you haven’t met Denton Loving, yet, do yourself a favor and RUNNNNNNNNNN.. haha just kidding.