Jealousy

When Jealously shows its face, it’s always ugly, very ugly.

Wiki says: Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values.

I think for some , they can’t deal with their own inadequacy. It stems from insecurity and low self-esteem. They feel that they aren’t good enough, or worthy of you love and attention. These feelings only fester and eventually they manifest into stronger and more violent emotions likes anger, and hate.

Their own insecurity or bad self-image makes them think badly of themselves, if this person is in a relationship they begin to wonder what their significant other sees in them. They will second guess themselves on why their sig. other will stay with them or leave, and of course they fear that their sig. other will find some one who is “better”.

You should remove yourself from the jealousy types. Relationships with these types of people are unhealthy.

Soon you will find yourself conforming to behaviors, that only have been approved by your Jealousy Other half. When you have to 2nd guess your actions, words, thoughts, in order to avoid the slightly rise in jealousy, I think you reevaluate your relationship. When having lunch with a friend becomes an interrogation, when a night out with the boys/girls become more of a chore than enjoyment, when much needed alone time is questioned, I think it’s time to ask yourself this question;  Is this how you want to live?

Of course, communication is the key, but when that fails and it can’t be worked out…RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

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Why Nice Guys Finish Last

We’ve all heard it, maybe most of us have even used it, and some of us live it everyday. Is it true, do Nice Guys finish last? When did being nice, becomes such a troublesome obstacle for so many people. Why does a positive trait, carry such a negative connotation?

Well first of all there has to be some kinda of medium to which we can grade niceness. There is big difference between doing nice things and being a nice guy. Having manners, and holding doors and volunteering are all nice things. Being a Nice Guy(from here on out NG), is more of mentality that affects your actions, and obviously the way you think. Not hitting on countless women, with vulgar come ons and distaste, bending over backwards for people, or accepting the short straw on purpose so that other won’t have to is being a NG.

See NGs aren’t aggressive. Maybe aggressive isn’t correct word here, let’s go with assertive. They don’t want to feel that they are being to pushy, to overbearing, to demanding. There in lies the problem. Not being assertive at times closes the door to many things. I’ve learn that sometimes you have to actively pursue the things you want. You have to be persistent. NG’s sometime have the mentality that things will fall in place because they are nice, a ying & yang way of thinking if you will. A bit of entitlement sometimes follows NG’s, they feel that since they are doing nice things, that nice things(the things they want) should be fall on them. This just isn’t the case. NG’s care to much about, not what people think about them, but what people think OF them. There’s a difference, a big difference. This traps NG’s into a state of actions and thinking where, they try to distant themselves from anything not considered nice.

Unfortunately for NG’s, sometimes woman take niceness for a sign of weakness. See women feel that niceness = abandon masculinity, which isnt always the case. I dont know what it is about women. Maybe it slightly stems from their natural feeling of wanting to be feel protected and safe. NG’s see so many great women with guys that to them, don’t treat them well. This causes much frustration for NG’s. NG’s don’t understand why a women would be with a guy that treats them bad, when they could have someone better, someone say… nice. “Treat’em like dirt they stick to you like mud. These words are very true. I’ve even had women explain to me that they see “over-niceness” as a sign of insecurity. Now it took me a few moments to understand this. Apparently NG’s are so nice, they must be insecure about themselves, and they attempt to make everyone else feel good, in order to compensation of how they feel about themselves. This blows my mind, I think that if someone is kind enough to take the effort to make you feel good, then that’s a sign that they feel pretty good about themselves, because apparently to me, that person isn’t dependent on having nice things done for them, or being showered with complements.

In the same vein, sometimes NG’s ruin potential relationships, hook-ups or whatever, because they exert to much niceness. After a while, women will begin to equate you to a friend, or a worst a brother. Or women will reject you because you are too nice, because she feels that you will be hurt in some kind of way of never being able to recover should things go bad, and that somehow hurting a nice guy is worst than hurting a jerk. See, the world is so backwards sometimes. The JERK has a better chance with a woman, simply because he’s equated to not having feelings worth hurting. She’s willing to take a risk with the JERK, she has nothing to lose, and she won’t regret hurting the JERK, as she would the NG. Being nice gets people attached to you to quickly, gets them caring about you to soon, to much. Once they do, they hold back and sometimes that’s works in the favor of a NG and sometimes it doesn’t. Being nice, will sometimes bring people to your aid when you need it the most. Yet sometimes it works the complete opposite way.

NG are often label as being push overs or punching bags. Many NG’s have a hard time saying NO. Again NG’s don’t want to be associated with anything negative connotations. They don’t want to feel that they are disappointing anyone. This is why in the work environment, NG’s get dump with the brunt of the work. They can’t say NO, and everyone depends on them to do the things they don’t want to do. Sometimes people will exploit your weakness, the very thing you regard your strength. People will have you bending over backwards if you aren’t careful.

So I why do I know so much about NG’s well, I used to be one, I’ve suffered the fate from much up above. I’ve learned a lot recently and its taking me a long time to see and grow. I won’t say I’m not a nice guy anymore, I’m just a nice guy with a bit of an edge now…

Nice guys may finish last, but we finish on top!!

An Affair?, You’re Married!!!

The people are real, the places are real, the post is real. I was hit-on/came-on to by a semi-co-worker. She works with us, but she’s at an axillary site, 40 miles away, so we only see her from time to time. This is not an ordinary,come-on, as physical contact was involved. First the woman is 45 (beautiful, blond, maybe even MILF, level to some). Second alcohol was involved(she was the only one drinking). Thirdly, we are in the midst of a conference in Tenn, which of course is just the interracial couple safe heaven that anyone could hope for.

The conference for whatever reason, had a open bar. Sara(not her real name) started hitting the Gin and Tonic’s pretty heavy. After a few of those we make it to dinner and she’s still hitting the Gin and Tonics. I order a rum and pineapple juice and maybe drink half of it. Sara proceeds to finish it off for me. Our group, 4 ladies + Justin, walk back to the hotel. Two of the older ladies go up to bed, as the time is now 9:30PM. Sara wants to hang out in the Hotel Bar, and Ellen(not her real name), Sara and I, sit at the bar, and just chat. Okay, so Sara is already pretty toasty, and over the next hour gulps down another 4 Gin and Tonics. At which, I say ” Hey, I think that’s enough for tonight, I’m tired” Ellen agrees, but guess who doesn’t? I look her in the face, and say “I can not participate any longer, the big rectangle upstairs, will humor you all night long”. Ellen and I, guide Sara upstairs. I drop them off, and head to my room…

I walk down to my room and within five minutes, I get a phone call from Ellen, Sara’s bunk buddy, and she says “Sara is heading down to your room”. I run and stick my head out of the door and sure enough, Sara is heading down the hall towards my direction (mentally cussing doesn’t count right?!). She knocks and I open the door for her, clearly drunk she walks around the room, flopping down on the bed. She like “Hey cutie, let’s go find another bar”. I’m like “Sara, you don’t need anything else to drink”. She wiggles on the bed and gets up and walks over to me and kisses me(clearly didn’t see it coming) and I back away. I sit her back on the bed, and say, “come on lets go back to your room”. She stands up and says, “I’m 45 you’re 23, can you handle that?”. I’m at lost for words. I’m like “no I can’t”. (DID I MENTION THIS LADY”S OLDEST SON IS 21). She’s says ” I can”. She laying and wiggling on the bed. I’m thinking I have got to get this lady outta my room. So I pick up the phone book and pretend to look up bars. I tell her, that’s here’s one close to the hotel. I convince her to get up and start moving again. My plan was to take her back to her room and just leave her there, but once we get back to her room, she won’t stay in there. So I tell Ellen, that I’m just going to take her outside for a bit of air, all the mean time, assuring Sara, we were going to another bar.

Well at this point, I decided to take Sara outside for some fresh air. I had to get her out of my room. Well we make it outside, and just begin walking around outside the hotel. We cross the street and see a bench. We sit for a moment, and then she’s back to being all over me. Her hands are going everywhere. I gently shove her off and motion for her to get up. As we are walking, she’s grabbing my butt and has her hand on my shoulder. She keeps saying, “You know what I want. We just keep walking. We spot a bar maybe two blocks down, and Lord knows I’m not taking her there. I sorta turn her around and say “it’s getting late let’s go back”. I’m thinking some of the alcohol has got to be wearing off by now. As we’ll walking she nibbling on my neck and I’m pushing her off. Let’s take a moment and visualize for a moment, now. Older white women, young black male, lovie duvie, late night in Chattanooga,–NOT the perfect snap shot if you get what I’m saying.

So we approach the the hotel’s side entrance. She stops and leans up against the wall and I’m thinking, what now. She says, “do, me, right here right now, and proceeds to spread her legs(THANK GOD, she’s wearing pants). I look at her like she’s lost her mind. I reply with “Sara, umm NO, one you’re married, (looking at the cameras) two, we are outside the Marriott and I will NOT be on Dateline because of you. NOW let’s go. I hold the door and she proceeds to enter the hotel and we make it to the elevator. For what ever design reason, the glass elevator there has this long bar running in the middle of it. Sara proceeds to put one leg up on one side, and the other leg on the other,(THANK GOD, again she’s wearing pants), and falls flat on her butt. I help her up and proceed to nudge her to her room. We knock and another co-work comes the door, I gently push her in, and say..”I’m done, don’t you let her out of this room” Ellen, responds with a head nod and says don’t worry and asks if I’m okay. I shake my head and turn to walk away. The doors slams and I hear the locks and bolts beings turned, and faintly in the background I hear Ellen, yelling “Get up out of the TUB and get in the bed..

Sara doesn’t remember anything really in the morning. Which for me was just fine, as I didn’t want things to feel awkward.  I feel sorry for her in way.  Things must not be well at home, for her to be so loose and carefree about having an affair. I know the alcohol was doing most of the talking, but still.  Could have been a lot worst..

Does this sorta of thing happen often? How would you have handle this? Would you taken the “opportunity” at hand? What does this say about marriage and being faithful?

The Right V-Day Gift for the Right Girl

With Valentine’s Day approaching fast, I think it’s in order to give all my fellow guys some advice out there about picking the right gift, but more importantly for the right girl. The only thing more important than giving the right gift is.. is to NOT give the wrong gift. A perfect gift to one, is another’s worst nightmare. Here’s some Manly advice.

Type of Girl: The Romantic (loves hearts and angels etc)
What to Get Her: Something custom and personalized. A tee-shirt, purse, headband (if she wears them) Romantic girls want to know you were thinking of them, and the gift wasn’t last minute. Customization shows your took the time before hand to think about her.
What Not to Get:Anything typical, common or practical, ie Candy, Roses, BLAH

Type of Girl: The Professional (Eats, sleeps, and breathes work)
What to Get Her:Something work-friendly. Help her get organize and make time for you. Professionals are consumed by work, don’t make her feel guilty, by trying to give her something fun, implying she needs to relax, I’m sure she already knows, she just hasn’t penciled it in yet.
What Not to Get: Spa gift certificate. Her schedule is way to busy, you’ll just add more time crunching stress.

Type of Girl: The Wholesome, Nature Loving Bohemian (aka Hippie in denial)
What to Get Her:Something, cleansing, some thing pure, something organic. Bohemian, like to make points, and take stands on issues, stand by her, by showing your care what she cares about.
What Not to Get:No Coach, leather style bags, no fur or anything that could have been made in a sweatshop, GOT IT

Type of Girl: Super Active ( The running, jumping, sweating kind)
What to Get Her:A sporty jacket, fleece, etc. Something she’ll use and need constantly. Become in tune with her activities. Provide with gear, or maybe invite your self along with her.
What Not to Get:Anything too girly, and intimate.

Type of Girl:The Impersonator (Her style changes as her quickly as the Magazines do)
What to Get Her:Something that relates to the latest person or trend she’s following. It shows that you are interested in the things she likes, and have at-least been paying attention.
What Not To Get: Old trend, Common trend. Something from a regular department store.

Type of Girl: The Sex Kitten ( Need I say more)
What to Get Her: Something that you both can enjoy later(hint hint), or maybe just her.LOL
What Not to Get: Candy..It’ll ruin that figure, and the prompt the questions that every guy dreads..I am getting fat to you/ Does this make me look fat…

If I didn’t cover your type of girl, leave a comment, and I’ll send you some shopping advice. Ladies if I’m wrong on these, please by means correct me(us). It’s ALL FOR YOU.

** This message has not been pre-approved by any significant other**

Added 1/31/2007 By Request

Type of Girl: The Nester (Homebody, Domesitcated Diva)
What To Get Her: Scented candles, matching spray. Maybe Linens, towels, some home decor, or a new kitchen gadget. Also I would suggest, something crafty, especially something you all could do together, during nights or weekends.
What Not to Get Her: Jewerly, Clothing and most lingerie,. She doesn’t want to wear, she would rather create it lol.  Sta away from this that will disturpt the home environment she has created.

10 Ways To Tell If A Guy Is Into You

This post has been revisited, reviewed and revamped.

So you wanna know if this guy, a guy, any guy is interested in you.? There are ways that you can tell, sometimes if a DUDE is into you. Well here are some clues that may help you on your quest. Now i’ll be the first to admit, GUYS are mysterious little creatures of life, if some of these seems odd, blame mother nature.
10. He babbles on when he talks to you.

–Ok look, we babble on and on about things and here’s why. We babble for two reason; 1. Silence is death. There is nothing worst than for a guy to finish talking and the girl is completely silent. 2. In an attempt to connect with you on some level, will continue to babble on, in hopes that something we say triggers a response or a an interest. Granted some of us don’t know when to STOP(sorry they don’t make a pill for that). Just be patient and know, something important is coming..

Note: When we get nervous, we normally get sweaty hands, clammy skin, aka the works.

9. There are long pauses between his comments.

–Guys often think way to hard about things, esp when it comes to women. Unsure of how to act or approach we sometime take long pauses to calculate the next move. Now a smooth guy will be two steps ahead of the girl and wont need to calculate as much, unless thrown a curve ball.

8. He tries some how to relate, to you in many ways.

— For there to be any connection there’s gotta be common ground somewhere. More so than often guys will share things with you..Interest, experiences, pet peeves etc. He’s setting up compatibility, Letting you know you guys could be a match. It depends on the dating attraction of the guy; If he like dating someone opposite of him or if he likes dating someone just like him.

7. He digs for untypical information.

Sometimes guys won’t BS with the same old conversation or some guys try to fish for info. Honestly some guys are less concerned with the mundane aspects of your life and they are more interested in what makes you YOU and more importantly different from the 3 girls standing behind you.

Note: Stay slightly guarded, there are some freaks(stalkers in training out there) but if you get asked something completely different, don’t be taken completely off your feet.

6. If you catch him always smiling at you-Constantly

— Ok, I’ll be the first to admit, I’ll send a smile in a hearbeat. A smile is free, quick, subtle and it doesn’t require me opening my mouth. A smile from a guy usually indicated some kind of approval. A smile is easily one of the bes self-esteem weapons out there.

5. If a guy, admits something slightly embarrassing or unknown to you willing.(sometimes combined with #8)

Example. Some guys will share stories, or oddities about them, to break-ice, or show that they are “real”. ‘I had asthma when I was younger” ” I failed that class too”. Our ego are always in check for us to admit these things are a big deal sometimes.

4. If makes fun of you in a harmless way, especially if he makes you laugh.

— Okay if a guy starts cracking jokes about something you said or did, then he’s feeling comfortable with you and being around you somewhat. We normally hope that be making you laugh or smile, that we will win some affection/approval points.

3. If he invites you to a social gathering, with his good friends.

–Ok listen up, an invite from a guy is a very good indication that he is interested in you, at least physically and perhaps in your personality as well. See if a guy is willing to invite you somewhere, then he’s not ashamed to be seen with you, or even perhaps he wants to show you off. See he knows, like YOU know, like I know that people talk. Just to be seen with someone can cause all sorts of assumptions to arise. Finally, there a good chance that he’s interested in your personality. Depending on the intimacy of the event, he’s go to be around you and converse with you, so in meaning, he thinks he can do that with you.

Note:A party or event, in which he doesn’t know 75% of the people personally, TRULY doesn’t count. This invitation was more likely, to avoid going alone, or he just being nice.

2. Gives you an uncommon way of contact him.

This needs to be unique in order for it to count. That means he really wants to talk to you, or have some type of interaction with you. In his eyes, theres something about you, that he wants to interact with you again. If could be that you were funny, witty, or bluntly truthful, whatever is was, he wants more of it, and my advice is milk it for what it’s worth.

Good Example: Phone Number, email, job or work location.

Ambiguous Example: AIM (everyone is on AIM, I mean everyone)

Bad Example: Myspace, Facebook

1. He complements you at odds times, in various places.

Note. A steady flow of complements, is usually a good indication. Gauge the guys personality first though. If he’s generally overnice or complements everyone, then, look for other clues. Also you might want to gauge the degree of the complement, while Pretty, Beautiful, and Gorgeous are similar, they mean completely different things. We stick the the basics, flattery. Yes it’s true we use complements to win over the ladies.. SUE US.. Now do we really mean them.. that’s another post in it self.

In closing…There are several degrees of ” IN TO YOU” so beware. It could be a crush, it could be serious, it could be true love at first sight. But there is also the other side and unfortunately it could be the complete opposite; with hopes of one way to panty-ville. Just be careful and sometimes it doesnt hurt to follow those instincts.

Now if someone would only post 10 ways to tell if a girl is into you.

Updated- 3/27/08

If you the guy is into you, or you already have him now. Maybe you should check out my latest post; 7 ways to keep your guy.