Integrity

 Integrity…at the end of the day, sometimes it’ all you got.

You know people can say what they want to say, and you know what they will. “So-n-so dresses nice, acts goofy, smells, So-n-so has no sense of style, is not that hot,  is somewhat dorky, is pretty smart etc.” Personally, I really don’t care about those things, as long as at the end of the day, people can say good things about my character.

It’s more important for people to say “There’s Justin, he’s dependable, he’s honest, Justin is a man of his word, he’s genuine, he always does good work etc”.  So in a sense, I’m less concerned with what people think ABOUT me, and more concerned with what people think OF me. I hope that makes sense.  I want people to have good things to say about the things that make me, me.

Your integrity should be the thing you protect the most about yourself, an aspect that you try to improve upon the most, as it affects nearly all aspects of your life.  It molds and shapes what type of lover, friend and worker you are, it affects how you interact with people, how you perceive people and how you treat people.

We have to stand for something.  We talked about Branding at work today and personally I want my own personal Brand.  I want to be able and go in and leave my mark on anything that I touch and people will know what to expect.  Gotta bring the A game as they say. Bring it all day, every day.

Have you done anything to improve upon your integrity today?  If not.. CHOP CHOP

Disappointment Bearing Down

I sit here, in low light, stoic and slightly disconsolate. I know someone should call the emo police, I’m getting ready to invoke some tunes, and I’m not hungry(clearly a warning sign). Yes disappointment has consumed me. My upbeat personality has been muffled and muted, but I’m not being churlish, and I’m okay with that. I received my acceptance letters in the mail today. I could feel it, in my stomach, before I even opened the letter. I felt it even more, when I matched the letter up against the setting sun, to read the key words, of “I regret”. I was placed on the waiting list for FL State(My No.1). I did say letters didn’t I? On a slightly brighter side, I got accepted into the UNI. of MIA.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or pompus, getting into a film program, is harder than getting into med school(been there done that, I know). It’s just that UM is private, and unless I get some major $$$ Aid from the government, I can’t put out the 54K(Just tution for my program, what about housing, food anyone??). I know I should be happy to be on the waiting list of a school that only interviews 90 and takes 24. I know that I’m going to spend the next couple of days analyzing what I did wrong.I know that’s it “NOT THE END OF THE WORLD”. I never said that, and nor am I moping around like a heartbroken nauseating love case. I’m just disappointed and unmotivated. On top of all of this my contract at work ends June 30th, and I don’t know I want to do; stay where I am, take another job completely, if granted, go to UM, move to another place, focus on developing my skills save up some money and attack this film thing from another angle. It’s almost like cross-road overload.

I have a hard time dealing with big disappointment. I really hard time, but not life halting depressing bad. I know it all stems from the years of beening disappointed by my farther. Disappointment that deep down, I’m still not over, and won’t get over.(Last Christmas, My room mate spent more on my gift than my dad, I can’t name a total of 5 things my dad did for me last year..) You would think, that it would work the other way around. That after years of disappointment, that it would be innocuous to me. Perhaps unresolved issues that still linger, hinder from me dealing with disappointment, as I should. Sorry i don’t want to play the STRONG CARD, on this one, Justin is taking a respectable and meritorious “emotional day” for himself. I feel hollow inside, it just carves chunks out my spirit. I dont like feeling like this. The daily ups and downs, are fine, it’s just the big ones, that just seems to eat me up inside. Big ones like rejections letters, rejection towards your dreams and goals. I work hard at everything I do, and to not to reap the accolades, YOU THINK you deserve just sets you back, and makes you doubt, not yourself, but the system, as you watch all the cheaters, and liars, get ahead, get what they don’t deserve.

If it’s not to be, it not meant to be. I’ll get there when my times come, when the time is right. I have to remember, that I have control, but there’s a great force at work here; God, and He doesn’t make mistakes. I have put my faith in Him, and know that, all things work for a reason.

Peace

So About this New Ken Doll!!

Okay so yeah, I went home this weekend and visited the family. My little cousin was around and she was playing with her Barbie’s, and she asked me if I wanted to play with her. I looked at her like she had asked me the my last oatmeal raisin cookie, but with her prepubscent smile and with her puppy dog eyes, how could I say no. If I was going to play, I was going to be Ken, grill some meat or something darn it(hey it’s getting warm here and I’m always hungry). I told her to go get Ken, and she informed me he was tanning(I cracked a smile), and insisted that Ken had had enough tanning for today and was going to wrinkle up and get skin cancer. She fetched the doll and what she brought back wasn’t the Ken I knew. She brought back a demonic beast from the underworld. This was no man, this a gender confused little mini version of the Y-chromosome, with bad hair I might add.

I wasn’t shocked that Ken had been upgraded since I was a kid, but man, if this is a reflection of today’s men, what exactly are we projecting? I know Ken has never been the most umm rugged flavored of men, but when did Ken become so, well freak’in weird. Actually I want to know when the man got “real” hair.

The 1980’s Ken doll that’s the one I remember. It was a dude, with stiff arms and legs, simple clothing (tee and shorts) and a slab of hair that didn’t move. Ken was simple and clean cut, even if he was a more less masculine version of the supper macho G.I. Joe. I don’t know what happen between 1988 and 2007 but man, the new Ken doll is almost scary. Pictured below is the latest version of Ken. Torn and destroyed low rise jeans, a wallet chain, a man bag, and some bling. It’s funny how even toys are starting to emulate the world around us.

But what exactly are they emulating? So if the Ken today is a reflection of today’s male, what exactly is expected of us?I mean, are we suppose to dress like this? Does the general male population actually dress “LIKE THIS”, I’d say no. While I will agree that some my dress similar, I don’t think this represents the current “Male” of society. I will admit I’m slightly metro, but I’m no where near this level. Sure there are huge changes in style, when comparing the old Ken dolls, but I feel at least those Ken’s, captured the essence of man, a little better than is current version. Can we get some cargo short and a polo, how about a vintage tee with some plaid shorts?

What does that in turn, make young girls expect of boys? Will this be the new baseline for, the model man? What do you all think?

The Shy Social One

 I haven’t been doing much on writing about myself, about well the Justifcation of Justin. Who am I and why I am Me. My last personal post was The First Stoned Cast Was Color, where I talked about being judge based on color and the behaviors that follow. I think it’s time for a little JOJ. Today’s topic: Extroverting the Introvert

 By nature, I’m an introvert. The quiet and shy one, that sits back and observes. I’m sure some of it stems from being an only child. My mom is pretty shy as well. She actually considers her self anti-social. I’m content sitting alone, not saying much.

 Well this introvertness, conflicts with my Leadership skills.  I’m the type person and wants everyone to feel comfortable and at ease.  A crowd pleaser, if you will. Today sadly, a great deal of peolpe aren’t very socialable and friendly. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been in a room or a setting where, no one said anything to anyone, or everyone just cliqued off, to their corners.  So normally for the greater good of the situation, I become the social butterly that bridges everyone together.  Sometimes it’s by jokes, being goofy, or times, I start conversation that’s going to entrall or entice everyone to chime in. I’m the type of the person that likes to lead by example and well, I ‘ve got to be out there on the battle grounds.  I really prefer smaller groups, than larger crowds.

Also I think that my shyness or quietness has slowly deterioted, becuase I can remember, when I was younger that people used to assume that I was shy or stuck up, because I was very quiet. Just because I didn’t chime with  the my peers, they all assumed that I thought I was better than them.  That was far from the truth, so slowly, to avoid this misconception, I began to throw myself out there.

On Campus, I’m infamously known for knowing everybody.  It’s my curse, my overtly friendly nature, the farther, borther type I project to most people. It comes in handy at times, when I need favors and such, but mostly, I just like meeting new people.

I think now today, I’m pretty well balanced.  I’m adjust my intro/extro-verteness according to where I am.  Unless I’m suffering from OCS that day, I’m usually pretty good.  Just a bit of me.

Oh Yeah I’m BACK in NC..

Preparing..

As some of you know, I have my interview Friday for film school.  In preparation for this interview, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and great deal of self reflection.

I’ve been preparing for those questions, you know, questions like “what are your strengths, your weaknesses” “Where do you see yourself in five years” “Why should we choose you over other candidates”

Finding the answers to these types of questions, are keeping me grounded and humble.  Obviously I can’t be overly boastful, yet I have to pick out qualities that I think make me a great person.  What are the qualities that I pride myself on, which ones do I desire more of? All of this thinking, helps me become a little more aware of myself and the persona I project.  How did I acquire these traits? What events, what situations, what people have I been faced with, that strengthed these traits or have brought these traits out.  All of this thinking  shows me how I see myself, maybe more importantly how I want others to see me.

We all want to be well liked, loved, cared for, respected..But looking beyond the basics. What do we want?  Do you want to be a leader? Would you rather be considered loyal or hardworking? A faster thinker or compassionate?

I care what people think of me! Stop wait a minute, I said OF me, not ABOUT about me.  Oh people can talk and belittle the way I dress, talk, look and act etc.  They can judge my motives, my life, whatever, I don’t care.  But at the end of the day, I want people to able to say “Hey, there’s Justin.. He’s dependable,  honest, loyal, genuine..”  “If I ever need help, I know that Justin, will do what he can..”  Having great character traits, that are noticeable, that are true, that are pure, that’s what matters to me.

Do we project, what we think we are, and not nesccaily what we truly are? 

Or are we only as true as much as others think we are? 

Makes you think…

The First Stone Casted Was: Color

“Oreo”

“Whitewash”

“Whitey”

” You’re not black, you’re white, your skin is just confuse”

“Yup, I’m really white, I just have a great year round tan”

Those are phrases I’ve heard/hear plenty of times before.  The last one even indicates, how I have come to the habit of tagging myself with similar phrases.  This is something that has become apart of me. Something fortunately I’ve never had a true problem with. I’ve always held that prejudice into a positive light. I’ve somewhat always prided my self on being “white-like”. Because I COULD  and did ,easily and naturally assimilate with my white peers, I’ve never thought of myself as better than anyone else for doing so, just better off. Better off in the terms of attention(in school/community), in the terms of oppturnities and considerations.

I’m not like some/most black people. Not to stereotype, but I don’t like or take part in some of the common things that black people do. And before I get bombarded with the Sterotype Soapbox, let’s just cut the crap. Pos or Neg, there are common trends found amoung races. PERIOD. Since I break the stereotype, I in turn give everyone the benefit, of not assuming anything, based on color. 

Black people judge me on my level of “blackness”. I’m often judged, quite harshly I should mention, because of the way I carry myself. Because I don’t talk in slang, and broken English, because I don’t smoke weed, I’m not black. I listen to just about every musical form in existence, but because I perfer Rock or Pop or Alternative over Rap, or Hip Hop, I’m not black.  I hate how the word urban has become synomous with meaning “BLACK”. But I don’t like wearing “Urban” clothing. It’s just a style that isn’t for me, oh yeah that makes me, guess what… not black. Pretty smart and articulate and not afraid to use it, say it with me…NOT BLACK. I I know it’s silly; the idea of acting a racial color; acting white, acting black etc.  But on some level we have to realize that, white people and black people carry themselves differently. ‘ll admit the black community is getting better with this, it’s just moving way to slow. 

Similarlly I’m judged by white people on my level of “whiteness”. The difference, is that, once a non-white meets a certain level of white-ness, that person is deemed safe, harmless, and far more appraochable. (that statement in itself opens another can of worms, anywho) I’ve learned how to quickly make myelf, the most unthreatening black person. If my clothing doesn’t immediately put your mind to ease, my vernacular and the contexts of which I speak, usually does the job. I’ve found more acceptence, I guess with white people, at least once I’ve met the critera. It wasn’t wasn’t simple emulation to fit in. I’m from a county and school system that was predominatly black. It wasn’t until college, when I became a minority. I’ve been surround by black people all my life. Perhaps tha’ts it, I Rebelled against the “my norm”. But isn’t usually rebellion done on purpose, with purpose. What do you call it when it’s natural, or mostly inborne?

Oh yeah, and if I’m seen with a white female(even if that person is just a friend), I’m immediately written off by black females. I can tell by the way people look at me, the noses, the facial expressions, the whispers, I can feel the disdain, the lack of understanding. The negative engery radiates, strongly at times, but I try my best to just repel that. I would sometimes rather people call me names or something, but I get none of that. Atleast then I could put a face on it.

Why put so much engergy into negative outlets? Why do people judge so negatively?  Why are we so afraid of diversity? We accept it, but when do we truly embrace it? Generally I could care less about what people think. What bothers me is the reasoning behind the judging, the critiizing. It’s like: To be who I am, is to be wrong–But I’m not wrong. I’m right, because I’m me. I’m Happy being me, and honestly that’s all that matters.

I know the subject matter, is somewhat heavy, but please feel free to comment at freely as you would like. You cannot offend me, believe me. Secondly I value your opinions, and reflections.

Here comes the next stone…